I'm Not Sorry
by Demoness Gang
Summary: A 'final note' from Ren. This is a oneshot, and slighlty ties in with 'Shaman Blood'.


_Kaida: Hey...so, I really don't know why I wrote this...it's kind of, not so good. I was up late last night, waiting for shows to come one, and reading fanfics when I came upon a Ren Suicide Note story, and it got me in this mood. It is a 'what if' sort of thing from Shaman Blood I guess. Oh, and some of the stuff mentioned in the note hasn't happened in the story yet. _

_What a pointless endeavor…a final note, writing down your last words for anyone to pick up and read. Then again, I'm not surprised at doing something so senseless; she's rubbed off on me-the aggravating chit._

_So, I'm guessing this is the part where I'm supposed to become a pathetic sap-crazed lunatic and say how awful I was to everyone, and how sorry I am. Well, I never was one to follow in others' footsteps (especially since most are unworthy of even being mentioned at the same time as me). I will, however, tell you what I am not sorry for._

_I'm not sorry for hating my family. They are a despicable lot, and deserve anything and everything that was thrown against them. I'm defiantly not sorry for what I did to them, and enjoyed seeing their loathsome faces falter more then I can express in words. Then again, seeing her stand up to them, kicking ass and wiping the haughty looks off their faces, came close to this joy. ...I am not sorry I am a Tao._

_I am not sorry for the way I treat Jun-which SOME people say is a judge of my depraved character. She is a part of above said family, albeit a mellower one since Yoh. Not only is she weak in mind and spirit (just look at how she treats her ghost), but she is just a lapdog for the family, to make sure the precious heir doesn't mess up and lose. Well, they misplaced their faith now didn't they? Jun even liked her…and tried many plots, too many to count and mark down. Then again, I don't even know which ones were her ideas-masquerades, tournaments…tortures. No, I'm not sorry for Jun, I acted towards her the way that I always have, it is who I am, and she knows this. Well, looks like I survived weakness much longer then she. ...I am not sorry she is my sister._

_I'm not sorry for whatever I've done to Yoh and his little group. I'm not sorry for sending him to the hospital either. Besides, he was a…decent…opponent so anything done in battle was deserved. And I'm not sorry that even though I paused in my fight with him, I couldn't help but go on with one he and Anna know. ...I am not sorry we met._

_And so I come to my last 'not sorry'…how do I even start? Just thinking about this gives me a headache-much like I said her name did. I'm not sorry for trying to kill her. How can I convey the utter loathing I've felt for her at the start, seeing her wander like an idiot through the dark streets, and then have the audacity to think she could beat me. And yet, Ugly proved more powerful then she looked-which is taking quite a leap if you know what I mean. I detest everything about her. The way she fights, the way she can be a complete idiot and get lost turning a corner, and then next minute do something…almost…worth admiration. I despise the way she would glare at me when she thought I was going to do something wrong (kill someone or some such thing), and I would actually stop because of it. I hate the way I saved her, I hate the way I looked forward to…to our next fight, but…I'm not sorry for either. I am amazed she is still alive, what a thief, how could such a bumbling idiot steal life, and laugh at the world, yet hide so much. I hate how I almost understand… I am not sorry for all the insults, for all the injuries, for anything and everything that passed between us, as all were likely deserved. Well…I am sorry for one thing-that you she did not kill me before I had to._

_Why am I doing this? Well, I don't even understand this myself. It's because of my family, it's because of my sister, and it's because of Yoh and that group. But mostly, I think it's because of her. I can't change who I am-I shouldn't change who I am…but with them…I don't see how I can not…_

_...I'm not sorry she was my fiancée…_

Grasping the meaningless and forgotten paper in one hand, Ren bled his life in the strongest way he knew, till everything slipped into darkness. And then slowly…slipped back into the light.

Blinking, he tried to place where he was…gradually remembering what last happened to him. Then he became aware of things around him; the stark white walls and blankets over him, the tightly wrapped bandages, the tubing pumping cold red liquid into his arm.

'A hospital,' Ren realized, 'but how…?' That moment a sound that had been there all along reached his ears. A soft, but constant, snoring. Perplexedly he glanced over to his right, only to find on the window seat the sleeping form of his rival, his fiancée, his headache.

'Why is she here? Did she bring me…' He stared at her for a moment, then, raising his voice, he called out to her, "So, thick-wit, trying to drive me insane by that maddening racket?"

Stirring quickly from her sleep, she turned and glared at Ren. Seemingly deciding to ignore his comment, she replied, "Good, you're FINALLY awake, Idiot."

"And, Miss Snore, why are you still here then?"

"As if I want to be-the dumb doctors need someone to stay and 'lay claim' to a patient 'like you'…AND I OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW YOUR F'IN PHONE NUMBER TO CALL YOUR SISTER," practically growling she started to mutter, "stupid reason…making me stay with you…uncomfortable seats…"

Groaning internally Ren interrupted the muttering before he really did get a headache. "Really, I'm surprised you didn't just finish my work…or where you just too brainless to know an easy gift when you see one?" He smirked at her as she stood huffing next to his bed when-

_SMACK _

_-_Ren's face was turned to the side, his outside cheek burning. Then he registered what had just happened; she had smacked him. Startled he snapped his gaze back to her, only to find her as he'd never seen her before.

"How can you be a shaman…and understand so little about death? Or-or life for that matter?" Turning on her heel she strode to the door, and coldly finished, "For that matter, I didn't think you were so weak as to take the easy way out." Giving him one last odd look she stepped out, slamming the door.

Still slightly stunned at her demonstration, Ren gazed at the door. Then he loosened his grip on…something in his hand. It was a note, a not so final…and unread note. Shaking his head, he gripped the note, and silently tore it into pieces.

_Well, there you go. If you think there is any possible way to make this decent, or want to flame...just use the nice little review feature... (Heh, no way, they have that?) Dasvedania_


End file.
